CONFESSION

“I have something to tell you, Jaya, which I haven’t yet told you.”

   Roshan said in a low tone, in a very tired voice.

    “What’s it, Roshan! Tell me.”

   Jaya entreated.

   He paused a while. Then looking into her eyes he said in a feeble voice.

   “Forgive me for hiding a personal matter from you all these years!”

   “Roshan, don’t ask for forgiveness. You’ve been a good husband to me all this while. I don’t think there is any reason for you to ask for my forgiveness.’

   “Not like that, my dear. Of course, I’ve been loyal to you. But there’s a past for me that has been pricking me off and on all these years. If I don’t speak now, I’ll have to part with a heavy weight of guilt. “

 He was struggling to speak. His wife Jaya looked at him with a grief-laden heart. Roshan was extremely nice to her and her two children. He had taken all possible care of his family. What is there for him to feel burdened by a heavy guilt! Jaya was confused.

   “Jaya, Tell me you will forgive me. I’ll tell you what has been tormenting me all these years. I was in love with a girl before our marriage. We had known each other from our teenage years. I really wanted to marry her. In fact, I had promised her that I would marry her, but my parents prohibited me from doing that, as she hailed from a poor family. She had a younger brother who was differently-abled. You could never hope to get any support from him as a brother-in-law. Her parents too, were incapable of giving you any assistance at all. They had a thousand reasons to justify their helplessness. Moreover, my family was in a huge debt and I had to support my family which consisted of my parents and two younger sisters. I had to marry them off. So with deep sorrow in my heart I had to withdraw from my promise. Then I went to the Gulf countries. It took quite some time for me to settle on a job and start earning. Meanwhile, I was meeting all the expenses of my family. My father was a farmer and he had incurred a huge debt because of constant failures in farming. My sisters were married off and finally we got married. I’ve never ever seen her. I had not even met her to say the parting word. Jaya, my request is, you contact my friend Suresh who knows the whereabouts of Sarayu, the girl I loved. She remains a spinster and is in the midst of lots of problems with her ailing parents and the younger invalid brother. I would like to meet her and ask her pardon before I…”

   Jaya did not allow him to finish the final word. She covered his lips with her right hand and said:

   “Oh…No, Roshan, don’t say the word. I will ask Suresh to do what is needed.”

   Tears trickled along the corners of his eyes. He had struggled to speak.

   “Yes…The sooner…the better…” he murmured.

   His children, the 10-year-old Rahul and the six-year-old Riya were brought by his parents in the evening. The hospital authorities did not hinder them from coming into the ICU during the visiting time. Jaya was reluctant to take the children inside. But Roshan insisted on seeing them. They came in and were sad and bewildered to see their Dad in such a state.  He was in the tertiary state of lung cancer.

   Roshan tried to cheer up before his children.  He responded to their queries as best and as naturally as he could.

   “When will you come home, Dad?”

   Rahul asked him.

   “Very soon”

   He replied and then looked at Jaya meaningfully. Jaya averted her glance from him.

   Rahul and Riya shared their tiny bits of information with their Dad.

   “When are you going to take me to the Park, Dad?’

   Riya asked in her sweet childish tone.

   “Next week.’

   Roshan knew that he was giving them false hope. There was no other way. Jaya inwardly writhed in pain when she witnessed the scene with the kids.

   Then it was the turn with his parents. They had nothing to say, as the stark reality was staring at them. With suppressed grief they stood there for some time. His mother caressed his hair and his hands. After a while they departed. It was time for Jaya too to leave the ICU. Before she parted, Roshan said.

   “Please remember what I said.”

   “Sure.”

    Jaya replied.

   The next day, Roshan expected Sarayu to come. She did not come.

   Will she ever come? I had done her a terrible wrong.  I did not even bother to bid her farewell. How many years have passed! It has been twenty long years since I have seen her. She must have been blaming me all these years. No, she would not have done that, because she had always doubted the prospects of our marriage ever taking place. How we loved each other!  We were in the same school, though in different batches. She was very quiet. It was the teachers who discovered her talent for singing, and she sang on important occasions. She received prizes for music competitions. I must have fallen in love with her music first. We were together in the team for group music. We won many prizes for group music in the Youth Festival and other events.  We got some occasions for personal talk also. It was on the final day after Plus Two that I told her openly that I loved her, though there were several indications of the emotion during our meetings, though neither of us dared to reveal it.

   She was mature beyond her years. She told me, this must be infatuation. After some time, we would forget this love. I responded with an emphatic ‘No’.

   We were in the same college too. Our love grew day by day. She used to advise me to study well, otherwise people would blame her. As for her, she had to think about her family as well. She had to support her parents and invalid brother. She was always concerned more about others!  After B.Sc., she could not continue her education because of the financial constraints and the situation at home.

   “After getting a job, we can think of our marriage.”

   I said, dreaming of the prospects.

   She raised her brow. I think, she seemed to have no illusions regarding our marriage.

   “I really love you, Roshan! But, I’m afraid whether our dream would materialize. Both families are neck-deep in problems. Will we be able to cope with them?”

   She often sounded diffident.

   “Don’t be pessimistic.”

   I comforted her and tried to instill hope in her.

   After my B.Com, I joined M.Com in the same college while she took tuitions for school children at home. She was a bright student. I felt sorry that she had to discontinue her education.

   Occasionally we met and exchanged our love. But she was becoming more and more mature and serious those days. The problems of her home might have made her so devoid of the power of dreaming and getting romantic. Her sole intention seemed to be taking care of her parents and her younger brother who was handicapped.

   When I expressed my intention of marrying her, she was hesitant to believe it. I reiterated my promise to her.

But I could not go back to her. In fact, I did not dare to go back to her and break the unpleasant news. So, like a coward, I fled away from her.

……..

  Will she come to see me? The thought was pestering him. He counted the seconds and the minutes while the hours ticked by.

Finally, the next evening, Jaya brought a woman to the ICU. I was half-dozing when they came. I woke up to Jaya’s call.

   “Here’s Sarayu!”

  Jaya said.

   “You talk. I will wait outside.”

   Jaya went out.

   I couldn’t believe my eyes. Sarayu was standing by my side. Mature-looking as ever.  Did I fear that she would be haggard-looking? No, never did she look like that!  She stood tall and straight, like an oak tree which cannot be shaken by any storm or cyclone. Or, was it a pretension on her part?

   “Sarayu!” I called her in my feeble voice.

   “Roshan!” She looked worried, seeing me in this condition.

   “I never expected to see you like this. I was reluctant to come. The whole of yesterday I was coaxing myself to gather strength. “

   “I just wanted to ask for your forgiveness. I could not come and bid you farewell that day, years back. I didn’t dare to tell you to your face that I couldn’t marry you.”

   “Don’t think about such things. Past is past. There’s no use lamenting about it. Of course, I was sad when you did not come. The long silence did upset me. But I could not remain in that state for long. I had three persons’ lives with me, entirely in my trust. I had to work for them. I had to take care of them. Gradually, I learned to accept things. I practised myself to be stoic.”

   Sarayu paused.

   “Didn’t you blame me? Didn’t you curse me when I did not come in search of you? Did you ever think that I had cheated you by giving you false promises?”

   Roshan’s voice broke.

   Sarayu touched his hand; as a sister tenderly touches her brother.  An indefinable peace filtered into his body at the touch.

   “No, Roshan! I never thought badly of you. I never blamed you. I never cursed you. I knew you could never cheat me. I had known your good intentions. I guessed, your silence was because of your circumstances. You had told me about the situation in your home. You had to take that decision for your family. My choice was also for my family. No, don’t ever think that I felt badly of your silence and absence.”

   Sarayu remained silent for a minute. My eyes became wet. I folded my shivering hands and said,

   “Forgive me…” Tears flowed along the corners of my eyes.

   Sarayu enclosed my hands  in hers and said.

   “Roshan, dear! Don’t cry. I had anticipated it. I knew you didn’t have the heart to deceive me. All the time we spent and all the things we talked were our beautiful dreams! I can’t bear to see you worrying. No, Never! Be cheerful!  I want you to come back to life. Suresh had told me about your condition. I was praying for you.  I prayed to God to extend your life. Just think that you are alright. You have to live. You have a good wife and two good children. They are my own dream children! You have to live for them. So, please come back to life. I must get the feeling that you are alive somewhere…. I still value the love we had! It was genuine. Even if I don’t see you, you must be somewhere, alive and throbbing….”

   Sarayu bent and kissed his folded hands and smiled.  “Bye…” She went out, walking with a straight gait.

(Aniamma Joseph: Former Professor of English, she is a bilingual writer. She writes articles, poems, short stories, novels and plays in Malayalam and English. Her novel Ee Thuruthil Njan Thaniye received the Kesari Award from DC Books. Other published works include Hailstones in My Palms, a collection of poems; and Ardhavrutham, a novel among others. She is also a translator, and 3 of her translations including a novel Ahalya by Dr. Rani Binoy (into English) and Doctor Faustus by Christopher Marlowe (into Malayalam) are to be published shortly. Email: anniejoseph10@yahoo.com)

(Image Credit:Martina Bulková from Pixabay)